Growing up as a kid, Predator was one of my favorite films. Seeing it with my dad on cable and watching the lone Schwarzenegger tear through the Guatemalan jungle with his Gatlin gun and gusto, switching between predator and prey with the cloaking alien is pretty much grounds for an awesome film. It was simple and direct in its story and purpose that it allowed its audience to just enjoy.

Predators (not to be confused with Predator – the original film in this series from 1987 that I referenced above) is pretty similar stuff. Its sort of like a poor cross between a remake and a sequel, the problem is remakes (and sequels too) usually build on the cool factor of the previous film(s). You know, raise the bar, so to speak.  Enhance the special effects, enhance the scale of the action sequences. Predators fails to do any of that. In fact, in a way it sort of actually regresses.  Too disappointed to even put this in essay format, below are my bulleted thoughts on why.

Things I liked about Predators:

  • The heat-sensor look and “Predator-vision” POV wasn’t changed from the 1987 film.

Things I didn’t like about Predators:

  • The trailer implies that there are like an army of Predators lurking in the woods hunting the humans. In the film, it appears there’s only three.
  • Topher Grace just happens to be carrying a scalpel?
  • Casting
  • Lack of special effects. I mean come on, it’s a freakin’ alien movie. I understand wanting to remain true to the original film which was gunfire, explosions and fighting, but I’d rather watch the original for that then pay $10 for this.
  • Topher Grace’s fortuitous turn as a “bad” guy. I think I laughed aloud.
  • These are supposed to be the “top predators” from Earth, but only one of them seems to have any true predator-like skill.
  • What happened to the last Predator dog?
  • I don’t like rape jokes.
  • Was that supposed to be a “Lost” joke at the beginning?
  • Why would Royce (Adrian Brody) cover himself in mud (so as to hide his body heat), but then use fire to camouflage himself? Wouldn’t his body show up blue against the orange fire on the Predator’s heat-sensor vision? Logically, he was defeating his own purpose, yet the film would have us believe otherwise.
  • How come if they’re not on Earth, but on some other planet, the doctor knows what kind of flower the poisonous one is? And furthermore, why does everything look like Earth? And how can they have our atmosphere?